Breakups are
always hard. They’re painful, and this heartache is multiplied if the couple
had children together. My ex, I can absolutely say, didn’t know where I was
coming from at all. Even though he abandoned me, he seemed to be oblivious to
the fact that’s what he’d done.
So as an
exercise, I thought I’d purge some of those negative emotions. I’ve lived in
constant turmoil too long. Share with me in my journey, and realize that if you
were abandoned, and are reading this, that you’re not alone. My life was
broadsided, and if nothing else, my spiritual life is growing by leaps and
bounds. Recovery is painful, and you don’t have to stop loving your ex to know
that they’re no good for you. This is the point that I’ve come to realize.
Here’s my love
letter to my ex husband:
Dearest,
After
spending half my life with you, I must tell you that I did this gesture out of
love for you. The part that’ll be hardest for you to understand is that I was
still in love with you even when I filed for divorce.
I
know that you’re moving on, and that picture doesn’t include me. You’d been
distancing yourself from me for years, but I’d refused to accept it. However, by
your final act of abandonment I was forced to face it.
Now,
I confess, I miss you. I can remember the good times and not only the break up.
Sometimes, I imagine that you still love me, and that things are still good.
I’ll wait for you to pounce on the bed on all fours, wagging your tail, and
draw out the nickname “honey” with long vowel sounds from your mouth.
Things
weren’t always so bad as they got the last 4-5 years of our marriage. By then,
I felt the loneliest when you were around. I knew, it shouldn’t be that way,
and that things weren’t right.
I
was resolved to weather anything with you. I could’ve taken on just about any
problem except your silence and withdrawal. I’m even still foolish enough to
ask myself why you’d leave me, or our girls… They didn’t deserve that, and I
can finally say, I didn’t deserve that.
Oh,
I knew I’d cry when I wrote this letter to you. Damn you. But as a writer, I
knew that writing this letter was an essential part of my healing process. So
today, I release you, and my romantic love for you, so that I can grieve. I
loved you with my whole heart, and part of me always will. I know now that
you’ll never be able to answer all my questions about why you allowed yourself
to abandon our love. It was a beautiful love, and it was worth fighting for.
Affectionately
yours,
Me
Laurie Epps is a recent graduate of Anderson
University majoring in Creative Writing. Already Laurie is most published as a
feature article writer, essayist, and poet. A seeker of beauty,
her is dream is to travel the world one day and tell the many stories of those
she meets. Columns include: Monday Morning Book Club, and Thoughtful Thursdays,
a column dedicated to the fine art of poetry.
